I am The Hermit, PT 1.

In October, 2023, I had a Tower moment. If you don't know what the term "Tower moment" means, it's a saying in the Tarot community for when your life completely falls apart. The Tower card in its upright position is a sign that things are about to get a little shook-up. The Universe is about to shake your foundations and cause things to crumble that are no longer serving you. It’s hard to see that when you’re in the middle of it, however. While the Tower high-key sucks to go through, ultimately it's necessary for your highest good. This happens a lot when we're not making the necessary changes ourselves and literally need to be shook out of our sedentary energy. It can also happen when you're asking the universe for things you want -- i.e, a better job, a healthy relationship, a new home. You manifest good things but then everything falls apart instead. I'll talk a little bit more about that in part 2.

By October, I had been ignoring all the signs to quit my job for months. The harder the Universe tried to get my attention, the more I leaned into pouring every last ounce of myself into work. I was too afraid to quit because I was making good money and affording a lifestyle I'd never afforded on my own before. Sure, I was absolutely miserable and nursing a painful back injury, but the idea of leaving miserable comfort to trust in the unknown was terrifying. I thought, “okay, okay I'll quit when I've made a little bit more...when I've saved a little bit more...after 6 more months.” I kept putting blocks in my own way. And in the end, my stubbornness only made things worse. The Universe brought my whole work life and work relationships to a grinding halt so that I was forced to physically leave an environment that didn't actually value me as a human being or a worker. And I was big mad about it. At the time, I felt like I had been flung into the unknown without a flashlight. I didn’t know where my paychecks would come from, I didn’t know if I was being fired, I didn’t know how long my Workman’s-comp benefits would last. Not only had I been ripped away from my job, but the relationships with my co-workers shortly before my leave had all crumbled, which had blind-sided me. I didn’t understand what was happening. I had worked so hard and I had developed friendships with people I thought I could trust. And in one fell-swoop, all of it crumbled. The Tower was in rubble. What had I done to deserve this?

In the waiting room of the unknown, I fought the Universe on this crumbling of my life. I fought kicking and screaming. I had been given the gift of rest and healing but I was still holding onto capitalism with white-knuckles. I was being forced to face the narrative that I'd given myself; if I was not working myself to the bone, then I was useless, worthless and lazy. If I was not a "productive" member of society, then I was not allowed to rest. Only my corporate overlords could give me permission to rest, not myself. I was so concerned of looking like I was lazy, when I was in fact, injured. I was terrified of my bosses thinking that I was faking my need for rest, when I had been burnt out for months between long hours and chronic back pain.During this leave, every attempt I made to make money or get back to work or make myself busy was thwarted. Every time I chose business over rest, I was more frustrated. Every card spread I pulled for myself included the Hermit and spoke about being silent, being still, being alone and turning inward. Even now, I am still pulling the Hermit. But I didn’t want to do any of that. I didn’t want to be still because in my mind, still = lazy. I didn’t want to turn inward, I wanted to disassociate. I did not want to do shadow-work, I wanted to do work that got me a paycheck. I could not see value in the amount of rest the Universe was trying to gift me because I was blinded by fear put on me by Capitalism. I was too afraid of being houseless to rest. I was too afraid of not contributing to the groceries to be still. I was too afraid of my thoughts and anxiety to be alone. And I was too afraid of appearing like I was lazy to trust that the Universe would take care of me.

But taking care of me is exactly what the Universe did. The Universe covered all of my bills, all my food. I did not go without. I had benefits, and the support of my partner. I had food in my belly and a roof over my head. Sure, money was tight and I had to be smart about how I spent it. I couldn’t buy frivolous little treats to offset the crippling existential dread of our capitalist hellscape, but I had literally everything I needed. I was not wanting. So why was I so afraid? Well, that boils down to lack of trust. Lack of trust in myself and a lack of trust in those that say they will take care of me – which is exactly what the Universe was asking me to do. I was trying was to control this situation so I could make sure I saved myself, and the Universe was asking me to let go. 

Recently, I’ve had a lot of breakthroughs. My first was acknowledging that I have an anxious attachment to capitalism – which, many of us do because that’s how we’re programmed to be. If we don’t play by the rules of Capitalism, we’re punished. That was followed up with the realization that the Universe doesn’t abide by the rules of Capitalism. Why would it? Both Capitalism and the structure of our society was made up by people. So what I believe I’m being asked, is to evolve beyond that fear and cross a threshold into the territory of trust. Understandably, I’m afraid to do that because there are consequences for not participating  in capitalism. But then it dawned on me…the Universe wouldn’t ask me to cross that threshold if it wasn’t safe for me to do so. The Universe wouldn’t ask me to trust it, if it didn’t have a plan for me to exist outside of my anxious capitalist mindset. I feel insane just writing that but stay with me. So far, the Universe has taken care of me. I have been supported. A plan has been unfolding. I have never gone without food or shelter or clothes. I’m out here existing in a safe place. I have not yet been punished for my rest or my stillness or my being alone. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been given proof that the Universe will not ask something of me that has not already worked out in my favor.